There are times when we just need to admit that ‘somethin’ ain’t quite right. ‘
We can try to make it work for a while, we can try to roll along and pretend all is well, but, eventually, it all unravels. That might be one way to describe my life when I was following Christianity. In hindsight, it’s easy to see what the problem was, but at the time, it was not so clear.
All I knew was that something was off. I grew up in the church, meaning the Lutheran Church – sat in the church pews for over 40 years and heard every sermon one can hear.
After my husband and I married, we attended many churches. First, a non-denominational fellowship where our kids grew up, later moving on to other churches… Baptist, The Rock, Calvary Chapel, and even a Messianic congregation. We had become full-fledged church-hoppers, trying to find a home church, but not able to settle down.
After any random church service, we would often look at each other and ask, “Did YOU get anything out of it?” Looking back, it was symptomatic of a problem that was difficult to identify. I know now what was missing was the Holy Spirit and truth, neither of which are going to be found in “kirke” (pronounced KIR-kee).
Kirke/Circe is the Greek word for “church,” referring to a mythological goddess, a witch, who held a golden cup, who seduced men to dine with her, eat at her table, and drink her wine, right before she turned the men into swine.
As I looked around, I observed the sinful lives of the Christians around me and upon examining my own heart, I had to admit the boatload of stinking sin that had never been repented of. I was a “good little Christian,” which is to say, lawless and spiritually bankrupt.
The unrest I felt in my spirit just wouldn’t let up. I had to find the answer.
I was being led to dig deep into scripture. During this time, I was leading a ladies’ Bible study in my home. I was used to studying scripture, but from a Christian perspective. Something was changing, though, as I was being drawn to revisit the Old Testament, to read about the law, the role of Israel, the covenant.
As YHVH would have it, a longtime friend told me that she and her husband were on a very similar journey. Their eyes were being opened to truth and she was anxious to share with me what they were learning. She talked about the Jewish Messiah, Yeshua, how He kept the law (Torah) and how sin is defined:
“Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law:
for sin is the transgression of the law.” (I John 3:4KJV)
The law… was it really possible that we are to KEEP and OBEY the law and commandments today? That certainly was NOT what I had learned in the church. I found myself pondering the question during the day and as I lay my head on the pillow at night.
I have prayed for understanding and now I was in full-on spiritual crisis, not knowing what to believe anymore. I kept studying the scriptures and praying that YHVH would lead me. What became more and more apparent was that everything I had learned in the church was far-removed from scripture.
I mean so FAR removed, it was shocking, at first, not only to realize that the religion I’d been following all my life did not match up to scripture, but to realize how pagan it was. I started studying the origin of the holidays and was sickened to discover the spiritual sewage of raw paganism behind them.
The clincher for me was a ladies’ Christmas luncheon that Calvary Chapel hosted. I did NOT intend to go, as I was already feeling the pangs of spiritual conviction about celebrating the Roman holidays. But the strangest thing happened. Father led me to go. Reluctantly, I invited a group of gals, and we went to the luncheon. The speaker read a children’s book called “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.” Her point was that we shouldn’t be grumpy at Christmas.
Sitting there, in that room full of hundreds of women, I felt completely alone. The emptiness that filled my heart made me just want to weep. I resisted the urge to flee through the nearest side door, but I did not want to be rude. When the luncheon was over, I said goodbye and gave hugs to everyone at the table,
It felt very much like a final goodbye to me
On the way home, the tears fell in buckets. Why? I kept asking Father. “Why did you have me go to that luncheon?” His answer was not audible, but I heard it in my heart…
“For closure,” He softly whispered.
I’ve never looked back. Today, I am fully committed to YHVH, the Holy One of Israel, to His ways, His law and commandments. I desire to live a life pleasing to the Father. I have come to understand who will inherit the kingdom, who the Bride is (Israel), what BIBLICAL faith looks like:
a) fully repentant of sin
b) faithful to YHVH, the Holy One of Israel (who became flesh and was called Yeshua)
c) born again (led by the Spirit and not the flesh)
d) in covenant
e) walking in obedience to the law and commandments
f) enduring to the end
I pray for opportunities to speak to my friends and family about the truth that is to be found only in scripture. The Israel of YHVH (Gal 6:16) includes those who are faithful to the one true Elohim, YHVH, the Savior and Redeemer of Israel, who was wrapped in flesh and called Yeshua. It’s about the Word, the Law and Commandments, obedience, being DOERS of the Word and not hearers only. (James 1:22)
I would love to say it’s been an easy road, but it has not. To leave Christianity was not well-received among my friends and family. The mocking, marginalization, shunning and misunderstanding that I’ve endured has been heart-breaking, because it came from those dearest to me. But, Abba has been with me through it all. He’s reminded me through His Word, that this is a high calling, and we must be ready to count the cost of true discipleship.
For those whom Father is leading OUT of the churches (Circe) to follow YHVH and His ways, I will encourage you to listen to the voice of the Ruach ha Kodesh (Holy Spirit). Put your fear to the side and walk in faith, knowing that He will lead and guide you on this wonderful journey of seeking truth.
“Hearken unto me, ye that know righteousness, the people in whose heart is my law; fear ye not the reproach of men, neither be ye afraid of their revilings. For the moth shall eat them up like a garment, and the worm shall eat them like wool: but my righteousness shall be FOR EVER, and my salvation from generation to generation.” (Isaiah 51:7-8)